I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
