I think my fart just growled at me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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