how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Last time i carry you out of a forest
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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