Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
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Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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