i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
