He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
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I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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