By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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