It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Duck Duck Cougar?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
