you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
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5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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