his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
