I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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