fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
