i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we're so committed to being not committed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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