i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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