You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Bring me that man meat
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
