I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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