I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
