I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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