Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
