Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
