Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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