she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
