i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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