what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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