At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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