I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
