I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
