and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
