Yo dont text me then not text me
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
