I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover