I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!