Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Houston, we have a blender
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.