i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
