Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
