I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
