I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
