I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
