does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
