yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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