I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
