you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The adults are the big ones right?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
