Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
