The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
