yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
