I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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