Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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