I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
