Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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