Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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