I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
