Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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