she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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