Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
