We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
