I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
