You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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