and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We need to get me chipped asap
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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