4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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