I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
